Party time.

I’m entering the space.

These people coming toward each other.

I’m feeling kind of weird. I’m here because someone told me to come, but I don’t know anybody.

I’m looking at them.

I start to feel the music in my bones.

I’m 17.

I move around in circles, slowly drinking my beer.

These young, extremely attractive, irresistible people, boys and girls dancing together, touching each other, kissing each other.

I wanna be like them. I wanna be part of them.

Something tells me to go there and speak to them.

But I can’t, it’s impossible.

I start to dance alone.

Being part of the crowd.

Bright joy.

Pure, essential sadness.

You have to let go, forget yourself into the movement.


I am on the middle of the crowd but I feel so lonely.

I don’t want to think about my life, about who I am, I don’t want to think at all, but I have this sensation of failure coming up to me, filling my body and brain with disease.

I won’t cry but I could let me die at this moment.

The smoke coming up from me inside.

The smoke of my cigarette, my youth and my innocence going up in smoke.

Maybe these are the memories I will miss tomorrow when I wake up that are smoking around my body.

My head is extremely loud, I can’t hear my thoughts quite clearly.

It’s like a crowd in my head in which I lost myself.

The crowd is surrounding me but it fells like someone is missing.

You are the one I’m waiting for and every second spent while you’re not here feels like an hour to me.

I wish I could suddenly see you entering the party, walking through the crowd I would instantly recognize you, come to you and feel you, without touching, without a single word.

You are the only one that could fill me, make me feel complete and forget all the others.

I know you will come, maybe today but maybe not.

So I wait for you until the morning comes.




Candice Groff